Under The Table And Dreaming

What Lies Beneath, Malvern 2014


People were gonna start thinking I’d DIED if I didn’t stop by for a blog post.

Alas, I live and breathe.  But what I went through recently was a death, of sorts.  I was under far too much stress, dealing with a lot of negativity, not eating or sleeping well, getting sick, and having terrible dreams…

For months, I had the same two nightmares on a regular basis:

In the first, I’m alone and sitting in a strange, suffocating space.  As my eyes adjust to the semi-darkness, I realize I’m inside a car that is lying at the bottom of a lake or river.  I panic, knowing I have a limited amount of time before I run out of oxygen.  Water is also leaking in through cracks around the windows and doors, so if the stale air doesn’t get me, I will slowly drown.  I try the doors, but none of them will open.

In the other recurring dream, I’m being hunted by several people who are carrying handguns.  The three females chase me through a large, abandoned house.  I look for an escape or a hiding place, but I can’t find one.  It seems like a fun game for them, and they laugh and joke as they repeatedly shoot at me, aiming to kill.

Oy. :-/

 Dreams are often a subconcious reflection of a person’s daily experiences and emotions.  These nightmares came as no surprise to me, as my waking life had been a living hell for quite some time.  There were people who had alternately ignored me & taken personal jabs at me (represented in the gun/shooting dream), and I felt trapped in a hopeless, unhappy situation (represented in the car under water dream).

It was painful, but I knew what I needed to do:  I had to end a romantic relationship.  He had broken it off back in July, then immediately apologized and tried to make it work again.  I decided to give it another shot, and I gave it my best for about 8 more months.  But…let’s just say some people weren’t on board and didn’t respond when I reached out – not even a little.  I finally had to stand up for myself and what I deserve.

I deserve to be happy.  And sometimes the only way to get back to happiness is to LET GO.

I’m not afraid of being alone — I never have been, and I’m unique in that respect.  I’ve always been independent and happy in my own company, and I’ve never been one of those needy people who has to be with someone – anyone – just so they don’t have to deal with life alone.

But even being confident and independent, it still hurts to say goodbye to someone you care about.  It always hurts to feel like you’re losing a friend, and there has been a lot for me to work through in the last few weeks.

Thus the silence at my blog for awhile.

I’m not interested in a relationship — or even a penis — AT ALL right now.  My concerns are:  1) healing.   2) continually striving toward my goals:  to be an open-minded, forward-thinking human being…to make my mind and body the best they can be…to help others…to be a loving and non-judgmental parent who encourages her child to think for herself and be who she desires to be, not who I want her to be (a mistake many parents make)…to be eco-conscious and animal-friendly, respecting/helping the earth and ALL who live here…and to create something beautiful/unique to add to the world before I’m gone.

Healing is a lengthy process, and it can’t be avoided or rushed.  For me, time alone in nature helps, so I’ve been hitting the local rivers, lakes, forests, and trails.  They provide so much beauty and peace…a space to cry, think, and just BE which allows me to get back to myself.

Trails of Thought

Down By The River


Also boosting my spirits recently — my little sister Stephanie, who came for a visit to Hot Springs.  🙂   We got a hotel room, had a wonderful dinner, roamed around downtown, visited the remains of The Majestic  (see previous blog), shopped, and stopped by several historic bars/clubs on Central Avenue…

 Me And Steph 1

 Me And Steph 2

Arlington Post Fire 1

Arlington Post Fire 2

Me And Steph 3

Such a fun time…until we had a little accident.

A heavy storm erupted in the middle of the night while we were outside, and as we ran to get out of the rain, we slid and fell on the pavement.  I hurt my wrist, shoulder, and back (my back STILL isn’t the same), but Steph got it worse…her HEAD hit the concrete.  So this is how our night ended…


…in the emergency room of the hospital (above).  That’s Steph being wheeled out to get a brain scan. 😦

She had a concussion, but her beautiful brain is gonna be okay.  Holy crap, what a scare.


Right after Steph’s visit came the madness of Prom 2014, the second Lana has attended.  Oh my damn, these kids act like their life depends on how they look for this event.  By far the most stressful day of the year for her (stressful for my wallet, as well).  Lana worried about EVERYTHING, but we got it all lined out and she had a great time.  She should be a pro by her third prom next year…




Lana And Christian Prom 2014

These are just a few pics of the kids before they left for the dance.  I’d better sort through the rest of the prom photos soon, or Lana is going to have my head on a stick.  By the way, these two have been together for about two and a half years.  That’s like 17 and a half in dog years.  Insane.


Another highlight of this month was getting to participate in a chat/paranormal investigation with this amazing guy…

Me, Chip

…psychic Chip Coffey (of the shows “Psychic Kids” and “Paranormal State”).  He is so charming and adorable!  It was a treat to have him in the state and hear him speak about his experiences.  He’s kind and loving toward everyone, and endlessly entertaining.  It would be too difficult to summarize the entire experience for the blog, but suffice it to say, incredible things happened all evening long.  He is certainly blessed, and sharing his warmth with so many.  A truly great guy…


Each “little death” we experience leads to new opportunities.  I’m ready for the next chapter.  I love and respect myself more than ever, and I won’t accept any less than love and/or respect from any person who wants to be a part of my life.  My focus is on learning, creating, and working toward being my best, most authentic self.  An ordinary life won’t do, and leaving a lasting positive impact is essential.

And my dreams?

They’ve changed completely.

This week, I dreamt that I was being chased again by the same gun-toting people…this time outdoors, and at night.  They were close behind me and gaining ground.  Bullets flew all around me.  But the nightmare suddenly shifted into a breathtaking dream full of power and beauty — I began to fly.

Many people have dreams in which they fly (using just their body), and I’ve had quite a few myself.  But this one was unique and highly vivid.  In past dreams, I found it hard to control the direction or speed of my flight — I couldn’t stay in the air for very long, and I was afraid.  This time, not only was the experience extremely realistic (the smells, the sights, the sensations, everything — it was mind-blowing), but I was also in complete control.  As soon as I shot off the ground, I felt the old familiar fear…but I WILLED myself to face it and push through to see what I was capable of.  Suddenly, I soared so fast and so high that my attackers quickly became nothing more than tiny specks in a faraway place — I was finally safe from their torment.  But it didn’t end there.  I flew for miles upon miles, to city after city, to bigger and bigger cities.   I challenged my fears even more — I played in the air, doing flips, spinning, diving and rising again.  Then I willed myself higher.  And higher.  And higher.

At the end of the dream, I was above the highest skyscraper in a massive metropolitan city.  I stopped and floated there, arms out, suspended above the twinkling splendor of it all.  Tears of happiness rolled down my face, and I was fully alive…exhilarated.

I had done it.  I had risen above it all.


above photo taken by Thomas Petillo, 2014

Until next time,



7 thoughts on “Under The Table And Dreaming

  1. Your description towards the end brings back some of my memories of flying dreams. I really like that BW portrait. You have a little Audrey thing going in the pic with the psychic. I wish I could ever get over relationships! I never get over any of them. I will be struggling with all of them and one day simply drop dead, finally resolution! 🙂

    1. I know how you feel, Mike. When I love, it is rare…but I love COMPLETELY. And I care so much for others that I feel gutted at the loss of them. Others may be heartless and able to move right on to the next, but I don’t roll that way. Love and care don’t disappear overnight — or they shouldn’t be able to anyway. Love and loss are huge to me, and the scars are deep. I am now married to my daughter and to art. Thanks for the comment, as usual… 🙂

  2. nothing pushes the doors to your personal reservoir of creativity as open , as the broken heart does ! another fine job Jenn !

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