Above: pretty accurate representation of the average online dating profile pic — mine included. God bless.
So yeah…I tried online dating for a few months. OkCupid, to be exact. I recently erased my profile, but before I ran (crying and screaming) from the insanity, I had a little fun and updated my info. While it’s a bit snarky, it’s also steeped in truth.
In bold are the prompts provided by OkCupid, and beneath those are my “essays”. By the time I finished filling out my page, I had tears rolling down my face because I was laughing uncontrollably. Sometimes life is so bad that it’s good.
So here it is — my online dating profile, as it last stood.
Hope you enjoy!…
I have three tits.
Yeah, “I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it”, blah blah blah. Is anyone actually going to take the time to read this? Probably not. So I could say anything here.
Bikini, potato, ching-chong tomato.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
Working toward becoming poet laureate of…some place. The local car wash, perhaps?
Hey guys, look — I wrote a poem for you:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
The azaleas are dead,
And so is my black heart after reading 1,000 messages that say, “Will you have my baby?”
I’m Really Good At:
Being one of the most amazing women on the planet, yet somehow flying under the radar. Except with all the WRONG men, of course. They want me a-plenty.
And after searching THOUSANDS of men, the ONE guy I liked/reached out to didn’t even bother to open my email to read it.
So there’s that.
Christ on a pony.
Do I sound frustrated?
Nah, I’m WAY chill.
Seriously, screw this.
Favorite Books, Movies, Music, and Food:
Books — Do you REALLY give a damn that I’m hella smart?
Movies — Not gonna make a porno with you.
Music — I love it, but who are we kidding?…you only want to see my photos.
Food — Yeah. Sustenance. It’s important. So I can keep on living and filling out this shit and dealing with this fuckery.
Six Things I Can’t Live Without:
I Spend A Lot Of Time Thinking About:
Who cares if I give blow jobs that have made grown men weep ACTUAL TEARS of pleasure?
So what if I’m as cute as Natalie Portman, as funny as Dane Cook, and as smart as Steve Jobs?
Never mind that I have achieved the almost impossible trifecta: a mind like that of an old woman, a body like that of a young woman, and a heart like that of a child…simultaneously.
No big deal.
I’ll just be over here, lost in this black hole of suckage that’s known as the online dating world.
On A Typical Friday Night, I Am…
…trying to decide which of these I’d rather do:
A) Spend one more night on a dating website, or
B) Have sex with your dead grandmother.
THIS IS BECOMING A TOUGH CHOICE.
You Should Message Me If:
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the alley out back, finishing off a bottle of Don Julio – the tequila especial – which WILL make you talk to the Mexican Jesus. I will be hablo-ing some Español with the savior, telling him that the entire online dating universe can go FUCK OFF IN A DUMPSTER. Amen.
The Polaroid Artist
P.S. I type this in jest. Well…sort of.
Update: the guy who hadn’t read my email DID finally see it, and he responded right before I erased my profile. Life is funny.
Feel free to share your online dating stories (and nightmares), and good luck to all of you out there on the front lines. You’re gonna need it.
Until next time,
above polaroid by Thomas Petillo, January 2, 2016